A Good Start

Day 1 went pretty well. But after hearing from some people, I realized that I may not be eating enough. This is a new problem for me. Not eating enough?!?! A friend of mine suggested I check my basal metabolic rate, which tells you how many calories your body needs to function normally at a resting rate. My BMR is 2,441 calories. I just feel like I shouldn't be eating 2,400 calories though! I know I'm still cutting calories because I'm no longer eating fast food, but 2,400 still seems high. So I'm going to go far 2,000 calories right now and work to cut that down as my body adjusts. Funny thing is, by eating healthy I think it's actually going to be hard to eat 2,000 calories a day. Crazy, I know!

I'm also having a hard time drinking enough water. I bring bottles with me to work, but water alone is so boring to me. I bought those little Crystal Light packets to flavor the water but I don't want to use those all day long since I'm sure they are not the best for you. I'm just going to have to suck it down... no matter what!

Another friend of mine mentioned that she had similar "I don't love myself" issues and actually went to a counselor to work out some of her problems. This is something I've been thinking about doing. I don't think I'm depressed in the sense that I need to be on medication, but I do think it might benefit from having someone to talk to. I know, I know... I have tons of friends and all of you will tell me that I can talk to you, but it's different talking to a complete stranger than to a friend. I'm going to look into what my insurance will cover as far as counseling/therapist go. I really think that being able to talk to someone about my self-esteem issues (among other things!) will be good for me!

Food Blog

Breakfast -- Two friends yesterday suggested that I eat oatmeal from breakfast. Luckily, I found some Whole Grain Oatmeal in my parent's pantry, so I tried that. It was actually pretty good! And it helped me feel more satisfied for longer. I also ate a Lite Yogurt and half a banana. I stopped at 7-11 this morning for some coffee. Now that I'm not drinking soda I feel like I need something in the morning. After getting to work and looking up the calorie and fat content in coffee with half and half, I won't be doing that anymore! I large coffee with two tablespoons of half and half was 123 calories (which isn't too terrible) and 10.5 grams of fat (which I think is crazy!) (Total - 375 cal/ 13 g fat)

Lunch -- I wasn't starving by lunch time, which is good. I again brought a homemade sandwich, but this time I cut out the cheese (as opposed to cutting the cheese... lol). I didn't really notice the difference (and I'm a cheese-aholic!). I again used 12 grain bread, romaine lettuce, tomato, light mayo (very little though), and lean deli turkey. I also had a little pickle pak (a couple of mini pickles - Dylan loves them) that were 0 calories and 0 fat, and 1/2 a sliced cucumber. I was full! (Total: 383 calories/9 g fat)

Snack #1 -- I was told that constant eating is better... kind of like grazing. lol. And since my lunch is so early (11am), I get pretty hungry in the afternoon. My first afternoon snack was a light cheese stick. (50 cal/3 g fat)

Snack #2 -- 2 cups of red grapes (208 cal/.6 g fat) I thought grapes had less calories than that!

Snack #3 -- 4 celery stalks (2 cal/0 g fat)

Dinner -- I made tacos tonight. Probably not the healthiest thing. And after the fact I thought I could have probably used groud turkey instead of ground beef. Oh well, next time. I had 2 tacos and some refried beans. I also realized that I should have used reduced fat sour cream and reduced fat cheese. Those two things alone (and I didn't really have much of them) blew my fat content for the day out of the water. (Total: 948 cal/50.4 fat) (Ouch)

But after counting calories and fat for two days, I just thought.... I should probably look up how much fat the average person should have per day. For a daily calorie intake of 2,000 calories, I should be eating 65 grams or less of fat. Good to know.

Totals for the day: 1,966 calories (yay! I stayed under 2,000!) and 86 grams of fat (boo! I went over by 21...) Oh well... tomorrow is a new day.

Oh... and I didn't get to walk today either. But seriously, I did not stop moving since I got home from work... where I was moving all day too. I just sat down for the first time today. It's going to be hard to get that walk in after work since it gets darker earlier now. It might not happen at all this week since my mom is out of town and I need to cook dinner for Dylan and me. (I know, I'm totally spoiled now that I'm living at home and both of my parents cook us dinner... lol) But I'll try again tomorrow! Off to go down another bottle of water before bedtime… wish me luck!

Here I Go Again...

I've been in a funk. No matter how hard I try to ignore it and move out of it.... it always rears its ugly head. I thought I was doing well, moving on, rebuilding my life as a single mom, but it's been harder than I let myself admit... harder than I even admit to myself. I've realized that I need someone to "complete" me. I'm not good enough for myself. I'm not good enough on my own. I'm not enough to make myself happy. At least that's how I feel. I've always felt this need to be with someone who will love me, show me love, smile at me, hold my hand... just give me attention. I feel like since I don't love myself I should find someone that does love me.

After much soul searching this weekend, and maybe a bottle or two of wine.... I asked myself, "Self, how can you expect to find someone who loves you for who you are if you don't even love yourself?" (Deep conversations I'm having with myself, and my wine... I know.)

I feel like I don't love myself because of my weight. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself. I can't stand going shopping for clothes. It's all so depressing! I feel like if I ignore the problem, maybe it'll go away or I'll just forget about it and learn how to deal or accept it. Obviously that is not working because after 30 years of life.... I am not happy. Sure, I'm happy about certain things. I'm happy I have a career (although I'm not as happy about my location as I once was), I'm happy I have Dylan (he's my ray of light), I'm happy I have my family around me (although the loss of my brother and grandfather are still hard to deal with), and I'm happy that I have amazing friends who love and support me no matter what. All in all, I shouldn't be bitching. But I am. I'm missing something. And without getting my feelings about myself in order, I can't fix that feeling.

So once again I'm on a quest to lose weight. I'm not trying any crazy diet or workout plan. Obviously I have a hard time sticking to those. I'm just trying to make better choices. That's my motto - Make Better Choices! At the beginning of the year I quit fast food completely for three weeks when I was doing the hcg diet. I quickly abandoned that and have gone back to eating McDonald's and Jack in the Box every day on the way to work. I'm stopping that! I've been drinking more and more soda again, and less and less water. I'm stopping that! I've decided to watch what I eat, eat healthier, and Make Better Choices!

I'm paying attention mostly to calories and fat. I started today! I prepped my breakfast and lunch last night so I'd have everything ready to go in the morning. That's my weakness... I know that if I leave everything for the morning, I'll inevitable run late and take the easy way out by stopping at getting breakfast at a fast food place. So I'm going to have to think ahead the night before and make sure I have everything ready. I counted all the calories and fat, wrote everything down, and plan on sharing that with all who choose to read my blog daily. =) It's like a food log! A food Blog, if you will. lol. My goal is to just eat healthy. Maybe if I don't deprive myself of all my favorites (expect fast food! NO FAST FOOD!) I'll actually succeed!

I'm also going to ease into working out. I'm going to start walking around my neighborhood every night. This will be a good start because I can't complain that I don't have a gym near by or that I don't have anyone to watch Dylan while I go. He can come with me and either walk or ride his bike! I don't live near my friends anymore, but I do have a friend at work who is also trying to lose weight. So we're going to walk each night and honestly report back to each other the next day. This will help keep me accountable. I'm going to start walking tomorrow!

I'm hoping that by making better choices with my food I'll start to make better choices in my life. I'm an emotional eater, I've know that since I was a kid. So this is going to force me to either find another outlet to hide my emotions (lol - kickboxing anyone?) or actually confront my emotions. I know it will be hard, but life is hard. And this is necessary! I can't go on feeling like crap about myself all the time! If I'm not happy with myself and my body, I can't expect anyone else to be!

So here's to MAKING BETTER CHOICES!!!

Day 1 food blog

Breakfast -- 1 Lite Yogurt and 1 1/2 cups green grapes (80 cal/0 g fat)

Lunch -- Very hungry by lunch. I may need to add something more to breakfast tomorrow, or have a snack in between. For lunch I had a homemade sandwich (12 grain bread, lite mayo, reduced fat cheese, turkey, romaine lettuce and tomato), 1/2 a sliced cucumber, and a small apple (462 cal/12.5 g fat)

Snack #1 -- Started to get hungry during 6th period. Ran to the vending machine at work cause I knew I wouldn't make it home and I'd be tempted to stop at a fast food place. Bought a bag of PopChips and ate them. I was very proud that I didn't buy the Fritos, Cheetos or Doritos! (Why do all the chips end in O??) (100 cal/3.5 g fat)

Snack #2 -- I was hungry again when I got home so I ate a reduced fat cheese stick and some red grapes. ( 55 cal/2.5 g fat)

Dinner -- It's different this week because my mom is out of town and my dad isn't cooking. I've gotten used to my parent's cooking for me! LOL! So I defrosted some meatloaf that was leftover and I made a steamed bag of broccoli with no sauce. I'm not sure how many calories the meatloaf had in it, but I ate just one reasonably sized piece and lots of broccoli!

Overall, I didn't do that bad for day one. Now I know that I need to plan more snacks for throughout the day. I can do that... =)

-elysia