Monday, October 24, 2011

Here I Go Again...

I've been in a funk. No matter how hard I try to ignore it and move out of it.... it always rears its ugly head. I thought I was doing well, moving on, rebuilding my life as a single mom, but it's been harder than I let myself admit... harder than I even admit to myself. I've realized that I need someone to "complete" me. I'm not good enough for myself. I'm not good enough on my own. I'm not enough to make myself happy. At least that's how I feel. I've always felt this need to be with someone who will love me, show me love, smile at me, hold my hand... just give me attention. I feel like since I don't love myself I should find someone that does love me.

After much soul searching this weekend, and maybe a bottle or two of wine.... I asked myself, "Self, how can you expect to find someone who loves you for who you are if you don't even love yourself?" (Deep conversations I'm having with myself, and my wine... I know.)

I feel like I don't love myself because of my weight. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself. I can't stand going shopping for clothes. It's all so depressing! I feel like if I ignore the problem, maybe it'll go away or I'll just forget about it and learn how to deal or accept it. Obviously that is not working because after 30 years of life.... I am not happy. Sure, I'm happy about certain things. I'm happy I have a career (although I'm not as happy about my location as I once was), I'm happy I have Dylan (he's my ray of light), I'm happy I have my family around me (although the loss of my brother and grandfather are still hard to deal with), and I'm happy that I have amazing friends who love and support me no matter what. All in all, I shouldn't be bitching. But I am. I'm missing something. And without getting my feelings about myself in order, I can't fix that feeling.

So once again I'm on a quest to lose weight. I'm not trying any crazy diet or workout plan. Obviously I have a hard time sticking to those. I'm just trying to make better choices. That's my motto - Make Better Choices! At the beginning of the year I quit fast food completely for three weeks when I was doing the hcg diet. I quickly abandoned that and have gone back to eating McDonald's and Jack in the Box every day on the way to work. I'm stopping that! I've been drinking more and more soda again, and less and less water. I'm stopping that! I've decided to watch what I eat, eat healthier, and Make Better Choices!

I'm paying attention mostly to calories and fat. I started today! I prepped my breakfast and lunch last night so I'd have everything ready to go in the morning. That's my weakness... I know that if I leave everything for the morning, I'll inevitable run late and take the easy way out by stopping at getting breakfast at a fast food place. So I'm going to have to think ahead the night before and make sure I have everything ready. I counted all the calories and fat, wrote everything down, and plan on sharing that with all who choose to read my blog daily. =) It's like a food log! A food Blog, if you will. lol. My goal is to just eat healthy. Maybe if I don't deprive myself of all my favorites (expect fast food! NO FAST FOOD!) I'll actually succeed!

I'm also going to ease into working out. I'm going to start walking around my neighborhood every night. This will be a good start because I can't complain that I don't have a gym near by or that I don't have anyone to watch Dylan while I go. He can come with me and either walk or ride his bike! I don't live near my friends anymore, but I do have a friend at work who is also trying to lose weight. So we're going to walk each night and honestly report back to each other the next day. This will help keep me accountable. I'm going to start walking tomorrow!

I'm hoping that by making better choices with my food I'll start to make better choices in my life. I'm an emotional eater, I've know that since I was a kid. So this is going to force me to either find another outlet to hide my emotions (lol - kickboxing anyone?) or actually confront my emotions. I know it will be hard, but life is hard. And this is necessary! I can't go on feeling like crap about myself all the time! If I'm not happy with myself and my body, I can't expect anyone else to be!

So here's to MAKING BETTER CHOICES!!!

Day 1 food blog
Breakfast -- 1 Lite Yogurt and 1 1/2 cups green grapes (80 cal/0 g fat)

Lunch -- Very hungry by lunch. I may need to add something more to breakfast tomorrow, or have a snack in between. For lunch I had a homemade sandwich (12 grain bread, lite mayo, reduced fat cheese, turkey, romaine lettuce and tomato), 1/2 a sliced cucumber, and a small apple (462 cal/12.5 g fat)

Snack #1 -- Started to get hungry during 6th period. Ran to the vending machine at work cause I knew I wouldn't make it home and I'd be tempted to stop at a fast food place. Bought a bag of PopChips and ate them. I was very proud that I didn't buy the Fritos, Cheetos or Doritos! (Why do all the chips end in O??) (100 cal/3.5 g fat)

Snack #2 -- I was hungry again when I got home so I ate a reduced fat cheese stick and some red grapes. ( 55 cal/2.5 g fat)

Dinner -- It's different this week because my mom is out of town and my dad isn't cooking. I've gotten used to my parent's cooking for me! LOL! So I defrosted some meatloaf that was leftover and I made a steamed bag of broccoli with no sauce. I'm not sure how many calories the meatloaf had in it, but I ate just one reasonably sized piece and lots of broccoli!

Overall, I didn't do that bad for day one. Now I know that I need to plan more snacks for throughout the day. I can do that... =)

-elysia

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