Staying the Course

I haven't had much time to blog lately, so I'm trying to catch up today. The "Make Better Choices" motto has been going well. Surprisingly, the hardest meal of the day has been dinner. Before I started this plan I was buying fast food for breakfast every single day of the week on my way to work, and on the weekends I was getting fast food for lunch or dinner. I haven't stopped for breakfast at all since I started eating better! This is a big deal for me!! I've been taking my oatmeal, fruit and yogurt to work with me and it's been great!

Lunch is pretty easy too and I've been taking lots of healthy snacks with me to help get me through the day without being hungry. My breakfast, lunch and snacks using take up 1,000 of my self-allowed 2,000 calories a day.

Dinner is the one meal that I thought would be the easiest since my parents using cook for me (yes, it's awesome! lol). But with my grandfather having surgery and my mom being out of town for a few days, my mom not feeling well due to her back issues, and my dad not feeling well due to his back issues... they haven't been doing much cooking. So I've had to fend for myself. It wouldn't be so bad if I had planned ahead like I do for breakfast and lunch, but I usually don't know what's for dinner until I get home.

I'll admit... I did succumb to the fast food... three times in the last three weeks. That's really good for me though! And I tried to get a healthier choice rather than the super bad stuff that I would usually eat. Even though I've cheated a few times, I still really good about my lifestyle change and how I'm doing. I haven't weighted myself, mostly because I don't have a scale, but I feel like I've lost at least a little bit. And I'm proud that even though I've had some bad days, I still made better choices than before and got right back on my program the next day. Before I would have a bad day and just give up all together.

Another thing I've realized is how much my emotions play into my eating habits. I knew I've always been an emotional eater, but I guess I never really noticed how much. I've been in a major funk this week... down in the dumps about a couple of things. All I wanted to do when I got home from work was eat... snack food really. I gave into that a couple of times, but again, I ate better snacks than I would have before. Light string cheese, reduced fat wheat thins, fruit, etc. I'm still feeling "funky" (lol - at least I can laugh at myself) but I'm trying not to eat my way to happiness cause it hasn't worked for me so far.

So... to sum it up... I'm sticking to the plan. I've had some good days and some bad days, but over all I'm proud of myself.

Till next time.... =)

A Good Start

Day 1 went pretty well. But after hearing from some people, I realized that I may not be eating enough. This is a new problem for me. Not eating enough?!?! A friend of mine suggested I check my basal metabolic rate, which tells you how many calories your body needs to function normally at a resting rate. My BMR is 2,441 calories. I just feel like I shouldn't be eating 2,400 calories though! I know I'm still cutting calories because I'm no longer eating fast food, but 2,400 still seems high. So I'm going to go far 2,000 calories right now and work to cut that down as my body adjusts. Funny thing is, by eating healthy I think it's actually going to be hard to eat 2,000 calories a day. Crazy, I know!

I'm also having a hard time drinking enough water. I bring bottles with me to work, but water alone is so boring to me. I bought those little Crystal Light packets to flavor the water but I don't want to use those all day long since I'm sure they are not the best for you. I'm just going to have to suck it down... no matter what!

Another friend of mine mentioned that she had similar "I don't love myself" issues and actually went to a counselor to work out some of her problems. This is something I've been thinking about doing. I don't think I'm depressed in the sense that I need to be on medication, but I do think it might benefit from having someone to talk to. I know, I know... I have tons of friends and all of you will tell me that I can talk to you, but it's different talking to a complete stranger than to a friend. I'm going to look into what my insurance will cover as far as counseling/therapist go. I really think that being able to talk to someone about my self-esteem issues (among other things!) will be good for me!

Food Blog

Breakfast -- Two friends yesterday suggested that I eat oatmeal from breakfast. Luckily, I found some Whole Grain Oatmeal in my parent's pantry, so I tried that. It was actually pretty good! And it helped me feel more satisfied for longer. I also ate a Lite Yogurt and half a banana. I stopped at 7-11 this morning for some coffee. Now that I'm not drinking soda I feel like I need something in the morning. After getting to work and looking up the calorie and fat content in coffee with half and half, I won't be doing that anymore! I large coffee with two tablespoons of half and half was 123 calories (which isn't too terrible) and 10.5 grams of fat (which I think is crazy!) (Total - 375 cal/ 13 g fat)

Lunch -- I wasn't starving by lunch time, which is good. I again brought a homemade sandwich, but this time I cut out the cheese (as opposed to cutting the cheese... lol). I didn't really notice the difference (and I'm a cheese-aholic!). I again used 12 grain bread, romaine lettuce, tomato, light mayo (very little though), and lean deli turkey. I also had a little pickle pak (a couple of mini pickles - Dylan loves them) that were 0 calories and 0 fat, and 1/2 a sliced cucumber. I was full! (Total: 383 calories/9 g fat)

Snack #1 -- I was told that constant eating is better... kind of like grazing. lol. And since my lunch is so early (11am), I get pretty hungry in the afternoon. My first afternoon snack was a light cheese stick. (50 cal/3 g fat)

Snack #2 -- 2 cups of red grapes (208 cal/.6 g fat) I thought grapes had less calories than that!

Snack #3 -- 4 celery stalks (2 cal/0 g fat)

Dinner -- I made tacos tonight. Probably not the healthiest thing. And after the fact I thought I could have probably used groud turkey instead of ground beef. Oh well, next time. I had 2 tacos and some refried beans. I also realized that I should have used reduced fat sour cream and reduced fat cheese. Those two things alone (and I didn't really have much of them) blew my fat content for the day out of the water. (Total: 948 cal/50.4 fat) (Ouch)

But after counting calories and fat for two days, I just thought.... I should probably look up how much fat the average person should have per day. For a daily calorie intake of 2,000 calories, I should be eating 65 grams or less of fat. Good to know.

Totals for the day: 1,966 calories (yay! I stayed under 2,000!) and 86 grams of fat (boo! I went over by 21...) Oh well... tomorrow is a new day.

Oh... and I didn't get to walk today either. But seriously, I did not stop moving since I got home from work... where I was moving all day too. I just sat down for the first time today. It's going to be hard to get that walk in after work since it gets darker earlier now. It might not happen at all this week since my mom is out of town and I need to cook dinner for Dylan and me. (I know, I'm totally spoiled now that I'm living at home and both of my parents cook us dinner... lol) But I'll try again tomorrow! Off to go down another bottle of water before bedtime… wish me luck!

Here I Go Again...

I've been in a funk. No matter how hard I try to ignore it and move out of it.... it always rears its ugly head. I thought I was doing well, moving on, rebuilding my life as a single mom, but it's been harder than I let myself admit... harder than I even admit to myself. I've realized that I need someone to "complete" me. I'm not good enough for myself. I'm not good enough on my own. I'm not enough to make myself happy. At least that's how I feel. I've always felt this need to be with someone who will love me, show me love, smile at me, hold my hand... just give me attention. I feel like since I don't love myself I should find someone that does love me.

After much soul searching this weekend, and maybe a bottle or two of wine.... I asked myself, "Self, how can you expect to find someone who loves you for who you are if you don't even love yourself?" (Deep conversations I'm having with myself, and my wine... I know.)

I feel like I don't love myself because of my weight. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself. I can't stand going shopping for clothes. It's all so depressing! I feel like if I ignore the problem, maybe it'll go away or I'll just forget about it and learn how to deal or accept it. Obviously that is not working because after 30 years of life.... I am not happy. Sure, I'm happy about certain things. I'm happy I have a career (although I'm not as happy about my location as I once was), I'm happy I have Dylan (he's my ray of light), I'm happy I have my family around me (although the loss of my brother and grandfather are still hard to deal with), and I'm happy that I have amazing friends who love and support me no matter what. All in all, I shouldn't be bitching. But I am. I'm missing something. And without getting my feelings about myself in order, I can't fix that feeling.

So once again I'm on a quest to lose weight. I'm not trying any crazy diet or workout plan. Obviously I have a hard time sticking to those. I'm just trying to make better choices. That's my motto - Make Better Choices! At the beginning of the year I quit fast food completely for three weeks when I was doing the hcg diet. I quickly abandoned that and have gone back to eating McDonald's and Jack in the Box every day on the way to work. I'm stopping that! I've been drinking more and more soda again, and less and less water. I'm stopping that! I've decided to watch what I eat, eat healthier, and Make Better Choices!

I'm paying attention mostly to calories and fat. I started today! I prepped my breakfast and lunch last night so I'd have everything ready to go in the morning. That's my weakness... I know that if I leave everything for the morning, I'll inevitable run late and take the easy way out by stopping at getting breakfast at a fast food place. So I'm going to have to think ahead the night before and make sure I have everything ready. I counted all the calories and fat, wrote everything down, and plan on sharing that with all who choose to read my blog daily. =) It's like a food log! A food Blog, if you will. lol. My goal is to just eat healthy. Maybe if I don't deprive myself of all my favorites (expect fast food! NO FAST FOOD!) I'll actually succeed!

I'm also going to ease into working out. I'm going to start walking around my neighborhood every night. This will be a good start because I can't complain that I don't have a gym near by or that I don't have anyone to watch Dylan while I go. He can come with me and either walk or ride his bike! I don't live near my friends anymore, but I do have a friend at work who is also trying to lose weight. So we're going to walk each night and honestly report back to each other the next day. This will help keep me accountable. I'm going to start walking tomorrow!

I'm hoping that by making better choices with my food I'll start to make better choices in my life. I'm an emotional eater, I've know that since I was a kid. So this is going to force me to either find another outlet to hide my emotions (lol - kickboxing anyone?) or actually confront my emotions. I know it will be hard, but life is hard. And this is necessary! I can't go on feeling like crap about myself all the time! If I'm not happy with myself and my body, I can't expect anyone else to be!

So here's to MAKING BETTER CHOICES!!!

Day 1 food blog

Breakfast -- 1 Lite Yogurt and 1 1/2 cups green grapes (80 cal/0 g fat)

Lunch -- Very hungry by lunch. I may need to add something more to breakfast tomorrow, or have a snack in between. For lunch I had a homemade sandwich (12 grain bread, lite mayo, reduced fat cheese, turkey, romaine lettuce and tomato), 1/2 a sliced cucumber, and a small apple (462 cal/12.5 g fat)

Snack #1 -- Started to get hungry during 6th period. Ran to the vending machine at work cause I knew I wouldn't make it home and I'd be tempted to stop at a fast food place. Bought a bag of PopChips and ate them. I was very proud that I didn't buy the Fritos, Cheetos or Doritos! (Why do all the chips end in O??) (100 cal/3.5 g fat)

Snack #2 -- I was hungry again when I got home so I ate a reduced fat cheese stick and some red grapes. ( 55 cal/2.5 g fat)

Dinner -- It's different this week because my mom is out of town and my dad isn't cooking. I've gotten used to my parent's cooking for me! LOL! So I defrosted some meatloaf that was leftover and I made a steamed bag of broccoli with no sauce. I'm not sure how many calories the meatloaf had in it, but I ate just one reasonably sized piece and lots of broccoli!

Overall, I didn't do that bad for day one. Now I know that I need to plan more snacks for throughout the day. I can do that... =)

-elysia

Failure Is A Funny Word

It's been a loooonnnngggg time since my last blog. I would love to be able to update the world with the great news of all my amazing weight loss, but alas that has not happened. My latest weight loss attempt has failed, yet again, just like every other weight loss attempt before it. Well, let me rephrase... I have failed again.

Before I was even done paying for the Power 90 DVD set I had stopped working out. It started with an "I'm busy today," and an "I'm too tired," and ended with an "I might as well give up again cause it's been a week." Disappointing, I know. I feel like such a loser. Why can't I do this?!

So here I am, once again, back at the beginning. At the beginning of my Power 90 quest, I thought it would be easier to do since I was on summer break. I was wrong. I had no structure, no routine. On the days that my son was his father I would sleep in late, stay up till 2 am (watching Criminal Minds and Storage Wars... but that's for another blog), and I found myself snacking at midnight. Awful! Now that I'm going back to work (yuck) maybe it'll be easier.

So... even though I have once again failed I'm taking this failure as the beginning of my next trail. One door has closed but another one has opened. Yes, I failed. But with this failure comes a renewed sense of motivation.

This time... I'm trying Weight Watchers.

I feel like I'm jumping from one gimmicky weight loss program to another. But I don't know what else to do! Maybe if I focus on my eating first, then incorporate the exercise.... I don't know. I really don't know what else to do!

So, Weight Watchers it is! I've done it in the past and lost 20 pounds in 2 months, then I gave up. Hopefully this time I'll lose the weight and not give up! I'm doing it online this time though so I don't have the excuse of not being able to make the meetings. I'm starting to think about what kinds of foods I will need for breakfast, lunch and snacks. Breakfast is my downfall! I love stopping through the drive-thru for my quick breakfast sandwich and large coke! So I'll need to find something quick and easy that I can make for breakfast. And after today, lunch will be pretty easy. Three words... Fresh and Easy!


I really just went to Fresh and Easy today to get my favorite hummus (lemon cilantro, YUM!) and ended up getting some new things to try out. The salads I bought will be perfect for lunch! They are low in calories and fat! And veggies are good for you! I've heard a lot about Greek yogurt so I figured I'd try it out. This particular one comes with granola to put in it. The Greek Yogurt is higher in calories that a regular low-fat or non-fat yogurt, but it has a lot more protein. And then for my snack food cravings, I picked up some Popchips (sooo good!) and some Baked Cheese Curls. Fresh and Easy has so many different prepackaged foods that should make it easy for me to stay on track for lunch. And they claim to have no preservatives! Dinner shouldn't be too difficult because my parents are going to be doing WW with me! (See below for an update on that.) Plus, WW online has a lot of recipes online that we can try.

So, here I go again... on my mission to Cut Elysia In Half! Wish me luck, once again! lol.


PS -- On a personal note, to update you all on my life... I'm currently living with my parents and plan on staying here until I'm ready to buy a house of my own. It should take about a year but it really is for the best (even though living with your parents at 30 years old is not the most desirable situation). My relationship with my husband has ended and I am moving on and up. We are still friends and co-parenting Dylan to the best of our ability. Dylan is adjusting to his new living situation and knows that there's a Mommy's house and a Daddy's house. He'll be starting pre-school on Monday and turns 3 years old on August 21st! I can't believe it! Things really are starting to look up for me, and I'm sticking to my new motto - Be assertive and speak your mind! =)

Temptation

Today was a day of temptation. It was a challenge to set my mind to workout mode and actually get it done.

It started out by playing outside with my son in his little kiddie pool, napping on the couch with him, then more pool time outside. My mom came home from the store with Chocolate Creme Twinkies. I swear the devil himself created those. I didn't eat one, but I wanted to. Needless to say, I didn't get my workout in early in the day like I had wanted.

Then it was time to drop my son off with his dad. Still the worst feeling ever. I stopped for a Coke Slurpee on the way home so I wouldn't be tempted to stop for a cheeseburger and fries. My good friend called me and asked me to come over and hang out. Hanging out with this friend means great conversation and a double bottle of Moscato wine. lol. Very tempting! I soooo wanted to go hang out but I knew if I did I wouldn't be home until late tonight and I would be skipping my day 4 workout. As hard as it was, I resisted and went home. I knew if I got in the habit of skipping days to hang out, my entire routine would be off and I might as well quit now. Thankfully my friend understood. =)

Now, just because I declined this invitation doesn't mean I ran straight home and did my workout. I had no motivation to pop in that dvd and do my circuit workout. I knew it was going to be hard and that my arms and legs would hurt afterward. (It's hard to even type right now - even worse when my 'd' button isn't working properly!) I was in a funk when I got home and spent most of the night addicted to the show Extreme Couponing on TLC. On a side note, why does anyone need 1,000 tubes of toothpaste at one time? Wow.

So, 8:00pm hit, I hadn't worked out and all I wanted to do was continue sitting on my butt and watching TV. What did I do?? I laced up my sneakers and did my circuit workout, of course! It was a struggle but I did it. I am very proud of myself! I didn't give in to temptation or my laziness. I got off my butt and stuck to my program! Yay me!

My mom looked into a Senior Center near our house today. They have an indoor pool and since she has back and leg issues she wants to try water aerobics since it's less stressful on the body. They have a Aqua Zumba class! You don't have to be over 50 to go either! Anyone over 21 can enroll. It runs on Tuesdays and Thursdays from July 11th though August 6th, so that's what I'll be doing. It sounds like fun - zumba and pool time!

So that's my day 4. This weekend will be busy. I have to make sure I get my workout in early tomorrow and Friday since I have plans in the evening. No excuses!

Till tomorrow... (I wish I had that bottle of wine right now!)

Feel The Burn!

Oooh... I'm feeling it today!

I woke up this morning and was sore, but not as sore as I thought I would be. As long as I was moving I felt ok. It's only when I sat for a while and tried to get going again that I really felt it. My goal today was to do my day 3 workout and make a zumba class at 7:30 tonight. That didn't happen. I ended up going grocery shopping with my mom, son and cousin instead. At least I didn't lay around in bed all day! I got a pretty good arm workout while lugging a pretty big, plastic kiddie pool around Walmart while my mom looked for a car windshield shade (which we had already passed)! lol!

But, I did do my day 3 workout! It was my second day of cardio and this time I tried the yoga! I wasn't able to do it all but at least I tried! I did a revised version of the plank that I was taught by a personal trainer last year (when I signed up at the gym and got a free session but never went back for the other 5 I got). Instead of lifting my body on my hands and toes and staying straight, I pushed myself up on my elbows and toes. And I did the downward and upward dogs. It felt good stretching my back like that!

I was already tired of the music and the guy talking on the video so I turned the TV down and turned my iPod on shuffle. The second song that came on - "What I Got" by Sublime. My brother and I shared a love for Sublime, especially that album. We used to play it and sign along when we were in the car together. It was like he visited me to let me know that he's on my side.... at least I choose to believe that he sent me that song for a reason.

I realized today that I had somehow forgotten how to do jumping jacks. I used to be able to do them but I can't anymore. I feel retarded. I'm jumping up and down and waving my arms back and forth, but it's no where near what a jumping jack is supposed to look like. Oh well... I really don't care. That's one good thing about doing these workouts at home. You don't have to worry about feeling stupid or looking like you just rolled out of bed. I wish that workout videos had fat people on them instead of these in-shape, ripped people that aren't even breaking a sweat by the end of the workout. Seriously! I would rather have the trainer standing up front showing the moves and some fat folks in the back that are all red and huffing and puffing like I am! This was me a few minutes after my workout... all red, dying of heat and sweaty! I really felt the burn today!

I do need one more thing before my next cardio workout. I need a picture to use as a target during the kicking and punching portions. I already know whose picture I want I just need to print it. For those of you that know my current situation... the name starts with C. haahaa! I'm going to tape it to the closet door and focus on it while doing all my jabs, uppercuts and body shots! I love it! I'm sure I'll get to a whole new level of punching by using this picture as a target! LOL!

That's all for now. I'm glad day 3 is over and I'm looking forward to finishing my first week. I think I want to weigh in once a week and update how much I've lost. I don't want to weigh in every day cause I don't want that to be my main focus. And I don't want to be discouraged when I don't lose weight. I want to really focus on the working out aspect this week then focus on my eating habits next week, while continuing to workout.

Till tomorrow... (My legs are on fire and I love it!!!)

Snap, Crackle, Pop

That's what my body sounded like when I was doing my day 2 workout - circuit. The circuit workout was much harder than the cardio workout. The cardio is more running, kicking, punching. The circuit is all about lifting weights, push ups, lunges, and stretching.

In short... it kicked my butt.

I used the resistance band that came with the program. You put one foot, or two depending on how tight and difficult you want it to be, on the band and use it like weights. I guess it gives you a harder workout than if you just use weights. (See picture to the left - obviously that's not me in the picture - if I had her body I would not be writing this blog.)

They make you do all kinds of things with this band. My arms are going to be killing me tomorrow. I think I'll be switching to light weights next time.

We also did lots of push ups. I had to cheat and put my knees on the ground. And I cheated even more and put a pillow under my knees so I wouldn't hurt myself on the tile. Even the "cheater" push ups are hard!

When it got to doing lunges... I could only do half of them. My knees were cracking all over the place! Makes me feel so old! But I was very proud that I kept up with all the other parts of the video! It was hard and I really tried my best to get a good workout. My legs were very tired by the end.

Then it has you doing something called chair dips. Oh hell no! I didn't even attempt this insanity! I knew I'd either hurt myself with the actual exercise or fall and crack my head open on the tile. Either one of those would not be a good result. So I skipped this activity.

But seriously, by the end of this circuit workout... I was feeling it. My back is tired. I'm hoping it's not going to hurt tomorrow. My arms feel week, which I'm sure is a good thing. And my legs are noodles. I do have one minor injury. My neck hurts. Not sure if it's a workout related injury or if I just slept on it weird, but it's tight and I can't turn it all the way. It impacts the way I hold my head when I do some of these exercises so I hope I'm not making it worse as I do them. I am finding that I'm focusing on my posture more than I used to. I'm a sloucher, always have been. But even while sitting and writing this blog I've noticed three or four times that I was slouching and I made myself sit up straight. It makes my back feel stronger.

On another note, it's difficult working out with a very curious 2 year old. I put on his Barney video in the living room in the hopes he'd stay entertained while I worked out in the bedroom. Half way through he came in and wanted to steal my resistance band. Then he put the pillow on the floor and pretended to do push ups with me. It was really cute.

Anyway - Day 2 workout is complete! Tomorrow the real challenge begins.... I'm going to really be hurting tomorrow but I know I have to work through the pain anyway.

By the way, thanks for everyone's support! I know I haven't been responding to all the comments on this blog or on facebook, but I have been reading them all. I'm thankful for all the support I have received since starting this blog. I'm grateful to all my friends and family for your advice and for giving me the internal strength and motivation I needed to start and to continue. =) You guys are all awesome!

Time for some Advil...
Until tomorrow...

Day 1 - DONE!

I did it! I started my workout program today! WOOHOO! I said I was going to do it and I stuck with it! YAY ME!

I woke up, had a cheese stick to get me going, and put in the dvd. I learned three things today...

#1: I need a new dvd player. I borrowed one from my dad which works just fine. However, I need the remote for it to move over to the Circuit video, which is what I was supposed to do today. Since I couldn't get over to the circuit video I just did the cardio video. I'm sure it doesn't matter which one I do first but I have to do the circuit tomorrow which means I'll need a dvd player with a remote! I'll be making a trip to my house today and stealing the one that's in the bedroom. lol.

#2: Yoga and I just don't mix. The cardio video started with a warm-up/stretching section. It went well, I was able to do all the moves at my own level. Then it moved into a "Power Yoga" section. I tried. I borrowed a yoga mat that I found at my parents house. I'm not sure who it belongs to... it's either one of my sister's old mats or it used to be my brothers. Either way, I'm using it now. The video started with "planks." Yeah... no. Then it moved into "downward dog" and some other things. I couldn't hang with all that, so I did my own stretching moves. It's hard doing it on tile floor though. My knees and butt hurt sitting on the floor, even with the mat. I feel like I need on of those thick gymnastic mats that we used un elementary school when they taught us tumbling!

#3: Two words..... sports bra. Enough said.

The rest of the video went well. I did some running, kicking, punching. I sweated, which is a good thing I guess. Then they did a cool-down/stretching section at the end, and I was done. It went into an Ab burner section, but I wasn't going to attempt that today. I'm just proud that I did the stuff I did! I didn't want to get on that tile floor, with that tiny little mat under me and hurt my back trying to do crunches!

So, I decided that I may need to supplement this video with some other classes. Since I am a member of Gold's Gym, I looked up the class schedule for this week. I plan to hit the Tuesday Zumba class at 7:30pm, the Thursday Aqua Fitness class at 9am, and maybe another Zumba class on Friday at 10am. I'm also enrolling my son in Baby and Me swim lessons so I'm hoping to get some exercise during that also.

I'll update again tomorrow after Day 2 and the first circuit video. In that video I'm supposed to use the resistance band that came with it. Fun! I'm also going swimming with a friend in the morning (for fun, not working out) and Dylan's first swim class will be tomorrow afternoon. Busy day... but I'll find time for my Power 90 workout and a blog update!

Till tomorrow.... =)

45 Minutes...

What's 45 minutes compared to the rest of my day? Nothing! I spend 45 minutes getting ready for work (which I don't have to do for two entire months since I'm on summer break now! woohoo!). I spend 45 minutes watching a recorded episode of Days of Our Lives (I speed through the commercials). I waste way more than 45 minutes of my day doing dumb stuff all the time. So why is it that I can't commit to spending 45 minutes of my day working out? That's all it takes.... 45 minutes... and I can't even do that. What's wrong with me?!?!

People have been asking me all week how I'm doing on my program. Well, it's time for me to come clean. I haven't even started yet. My first day was supposed to be last Sunday. As you know from my last blog entry, I was extremely hung over.

Excuse #1: I couldn't bend down long enough to pick up after my son let alone do an exercise workout. So I thought, maybe I should just start tomorrow.

Excuse #2: I wanted to start on Monday but I really wanted to stick to the schedule that I had laid out, which was to do my 6 days of workouts and have Saturdays off. So I waited.

Excuse #3: I also was afraid of being sore and still having to go to work. If I waited just one more week I wouldn't have to worry about that. So I waited.

Now here I am on Saturday, the day before I'm supposed to start (for real this time!) and running through my head are a ton of other reasons why I should wait or why I will fail. What is it about me that makes me think I will always fail at everything?! I'm pretty successful in life. I graduated high school with a high GPA. I went to college and got my BS is Elementary Education. (And no Dad, BS doesn't stand for Bull Shit degree... lol... Bachelor of Science. =) ) I have a career as a teacher. I went back to school and got a Masters in Technology in Education. I am able to support myself and my family. And I have an amazing son who lights up my world. I think I'm doing pretty well for myself. But when it comes to weight loss ... I don't know what it is that makes me doubt myself 100% of the time. There is this little voice inside my head that always tells me that I can't - that I'll fail. Well I'm done listening to that little voice! (I'm really not crazy and hearing voices.... really.... )

I'm done making excuses! I didn't start last week because I didn't want to. There, I said it! If I had really wanted to, I would have done it. I claim I never have time to workout, but I always make time to watch Days of Our Lives and repeats of Criminal Minds on A&E (my new favorite old show - so good!). Tomorrow, I AM starting my Power90 program! YAY ME!!

I filled out my calendar that came with the dvd's. It will help keep me on track and remind me that it's only 90 days! (Can you tell that I'm excited? LOL)

I took all my measurements so I have my "before" stats (which I'm NOT posting) and will be able to compare them at the end of the 90 days. I also took a bunch of "before" pictures. Here are a few...

These pictures are HORRIBLE! I'm doing this program so I never see this person in the mirror or in pictures again! I am at my peak weight right now. I know if I continue living my life how I'm living it now, I won't be living for as long as I'd like to be. (Tongue twister, I know, but I mean it!) I need to make a change, and it has to start NOW!

So, as of tomorrow, I will be believing in myself like so many others are believing in me (THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME!!!). No more excuses, no more voices telling me I can't, no more delaying the necessary. I'm in this for the long haul and that long haul starts tomorrow!

I believe.... (the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way...)

I believe... (in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart...)

I believe... (ok, ok, enough song lyrics)... IN MYSELF!!

The Challenge Begins!

Today is the day! I'm starting the Power 90 program today!

One problem...

I am hungover like nobodies business. =( It probably wasn't a good idea to go out last night, but I had a great time. It was an emotional day for me yesterday (I moved into my parents house - temporarily I hope) so I needed to have some fun and let out some steam.

I went out with my buddies Evelyn and Candace. We went to a club called Plush. Plush is a nightclub for plus size women. A fat chick club. I wasn't too sure about it but we went to check it out. It started at 11pm and we got there at 11:15pm. There was hardly anyone there. We almost left to go to karaoke at Ellis Island Casino but we decided to stay for a little while to see if it would pick up. I'm so glad we stayed because we ended up having a TON of fun! (No pun intended... ton... plus size club... get it?! LOL) It was amazing to see so many overweight women in there not caring about their weigh or feeling self-concious. It was all about dancing and having fun. I will definitely go back there again.

Anyway... I'm not looking forward to my first workout because I think I may puke, not from the workout but from the hangover. Haa! So sad. I'm still going to do it, but I'm going to wait until later. Hopefully by then I'll feel better. I may take a nap too... that always seems to help me.

In the meantime, I still need to weigh and measure myself. I'd like to post my measurements but I don't think I'm ready for that. I also need to take my "before" pictures... which I'm going to do right now.

I'll post later, if I'm not too sick. lol.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For Ice Cream!

Today I've spent the day thinking about what I'm about to commit to. I'm still excited! I've decided to start the program on Sunday, after getting myself packed and moved on Friday and Saturday. If I start Sunday, that will give me 6 days of working out and Saturday will be my resting day. This should work out great for me since Saturdays are usually the busiest day of the week for me. I'm nervous about being sore and not being able to walk the next day at work, but at least it's the end of the year and all I'll be doing is reviewing for the final exam.

I'm also worried about being on summer break while doing this workout program, and over-eating junk food. I tend to have a better schedule and stick to it while I'm working. When I was doing the hcg diet, I did really well during the week because I had a structure - a system. I bought a programmable coffee maker so my morning coffee (breakfast on this diet) was ready when I woke up. I'd take my pills (appetite suppressant and blood pressure meds) on the way to work. I'd drink at least one bottle of water before my lunch break. I packed my lunch the night before so I made sure I had everything I needed. I'd drink one more bottle of water with lunch, and another before the end of the day. When I got home, I'd make dinner and was done for the day. The weekends are what killed me. No routine. No schedule. I'd wake up late, be rushing around town doing errands or visiting family, then end up stopping for fast food. I tend to gain weight during summer break cause I sit on my butt all day, eating and watching tv.

Well... that's not happening this summer. I have plans... big plans! On the days I have Dylan, we will be doing all sorts of things. I want to take him to Sea World, the Leid Discovery Children's Museum, swimming, play dates at the park, the Springs Preserve, camping... lots of places! This summer I'm staying active, watching what I eat, and not allowing myself to be tempted by fast food all the time!!

Oh... and no more ice cream...

Ok, well maybe I can have some ice cream every once in a while.... =)

When life hands you lemons....

...ask the bartender for a lime instead, then order a shot of tequilla.

Tonight has been rough, personally speaking. Not to get into too much detail on my weight loss blog, but... my husband and I are separating and I'm planning on moving out this weekend. This isn't anything that came out of nowhere. We have been separated since Spring Break in April but we have still been living together. Now we're at the point where we need to officially separate so the healing can start. Hopefully we can work through our issues and find our way back to each other. In the meantime, our son has to be our first priority.

So hard.

In tough times like these, I try to find something positive to throw my energy behind, hence the Power 90 and this blog. I got home from work today and look what I find sitting on the kitchen counter waiting for me...
My Power 90 DVD's are here! I was so excited to open the box and read everything!

It came with a Program Guide that tells you which part of the dvd you are supposed to do on which day. It talks about how you should start slow so you don't burn out in the first week and are in too much pain to continue the program, which is what I usually do. You are supposed to alternate the circuit dvd and the cardio/abs workout. So three days out of the week you are doing the circuit workout, gradually increasing through the levels. The other three days you are doing the cardio/abs workout, gradually increasing through the levels. That leaves one day a week to rest. I like the idea of having a 90 day calendar that lays out exactly what you should be doing on which day. I plan on taping it to my bedroom door or the wall next to my tv so I'm always staring at it. It also comes with a resistance band to use during the workout. It's not in the picture because Dylan stole it and was using it as a jump rope. lol.

My next step... weighing and measuring myself. I have to measure all the parts of my body: arms, legs, waist, bust. The works. And I must concur the dreaded scale. I also have to take my "before" pictures. Those are going to stay hidden from the world.

What I liked about this program is that is doesn't stress a super low calorie or crazy restrictive diet. It does come with a recipe book that includes some healthy meal options for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It talks about being healthy, eating healthy food, and noticing the difference you'll feel when you start working out and seeing results that will make you not want to put junk in your body anymore. It's all about the workouts. So if I want to have that occasional cocktail or glass of wine (or bottle of tequila... whatever), I can. It's all about moderation, which in the back of my mind I already knew.

With everything I have going on this week and my upcoming move, I don't think I'll be able to start the program until Sunday or Monday. I'm soooo looking forward to starting though! I just don't want to do the program for 2 days then have to stop for 2 days while I move and get my life back together.

In the meantime, I'll keep reading the informational material that was provided and I'll start filling out the 90 day calendar so I'm ready to start on Monday. Yay!

Thank you!

I've gotten so much support since posting my first blog yesterday. Thank you to everyone who has written me wishing me luck in my latest endeavor, have shared their story with me, or has just reminded me that they are there for me! My friends are so amazingly supportive and I love you all!

I checked the mail today... nothing but junk mail and bills. No Power 90 DVD's yet. I am so looking forward to them arriving! I don't remember exactly what I day I ordered them last week but the website said they'll arrive in 5-7 days. I'm hoping they'll be here this week! In the meantime, I'm enjoying all the crappy food I love so much in preparation for going cold turkey when my dvd's get here. Probably not the best move. I should probably be watching what I eat this week while I'm waiting, but... I'm not. lol. I'm getting rid of all my cravings so I can be good when it counts.

I've also determined that stress probably contributes to weight gain and the lack of motivation to work out. So I'm de-stressing my life! Goodbye stress! Hello skinny jeans!! Well, maybe not skinny jeans... I'm not 13 after all... maybe just hello skinny!

The beginning...

This is me...

Normally I would never have posted this picture for all to see but I thought it was important to start this new blogging adventure with this picture (or one of the many, many others that look just like this). I consider this a terrible picture. Why, you ask? Well, in this picture I see what I see in the mirror every day. I see all my flaws. I see my fat arms, my stomach that's hanging out... everything. It's terrible. I spend my life trying to cover up all those flaws, sucking it all in, doing whatever it takes to take a half decent picture that doesn't make me spiral into depression when I see it. My goal is to never have to look at another picture of myself looking like this again.


And so I begin this blog...
My thinking behind writing this blog is that maybe those who read this will help keep me accountable for what I plan on doing. I plan on cutting my weight in half. What is half? I'm not ready to divulge that information yet. I know you are all smart out there and would be able to figure out my true weight. (LOL) Posting the "fat picture" above was hard enough. I'm taking baby steps here people, baby steps! I started this year out motivated and ready to tackle my life-long weight problem. About the 3rd day in January, I cut soda and fast food out completely. Completely!! I lost 13 pounds in two weeks! Then my health insurance started a weigh loss program that allowed us to go to certain weight loss doctors. They still didn't cover lapband surgery, which is what I really want, but it was a start. I starting see a doctor that made me go in every week for fatblocker shots and weigh ins. I also started the HCG diet...

HCG... it started off scary but worked really well (for about two weeks). The HCG diet requires that you take the HCG hormone (either orally and via injections) and that you eat a very strict 500 calorie a day diet. With the help of some appetite suppressants (phentermine - wonderful stuff!), I was able to do it and lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. You'd think that this would keep me motivated to continue the diet since I was doing so well and was showing results. Nope. The downward spiral started with a few cocktails on the weekend, then a bite of my son's chicken nugget or french fries, a taco from Taco Bell, then it was all done. It took a while for me to gain all the weight back, but it's back. That's how it always is... I start something, give it a week or two, then it falls apart. And by "it" I mean "me." I have a gym membership (one of many) that I don't use. I've bought the weigh loss shakes, meals, etc. I've done Jenny Craig and Weigh Watchers. I have no follow through.

So, my latest attempt at weight loss... Power 90.
Power 90 is the less intense, older version of p90x. I had never heard of it before but I had read all my friend's Facebook status updates about how great p90x is. I thought, "I should do that!" Then I reminded myself... if my much thinner, much more in shape friends that run marathons and work out daily are getting their butts kicked by p90x, I would die. So I didn't buy it. Then I saw a post about a person who was is the same boat as me (the fat people boat that is quickly sinking). He bought Power 90, did it for 3 months and lost 100 pounds. Then he bought p90x, did it for 3 months and lost another 50 pounds. Amazing! That's my goal! I know it's going to be hard. I know that there will be days that I don't want to do it, but I HAVE to. I have a two year old son who wants to run around and play constantly. I can't keep up. I'm only 29 years old and there are days I feel like I'm 50. I've always been healthy even though I was overweight. In the last year I had to start taking blood pressure medication because my blood pressure is high. My family has a history of heart disease, diabetes, and a load of other medical issues. I know I'm already at a higher risk for these diseases, even without being overweight. Throw in the extra weight and my risk factor skyrockets! My 23 year old brother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in 2010. I can't do that to my parents again. I can't do that to my son. He deserves to have a mom who can be as active as he wants to be.

So... I'm trying, again, to get it together and get motivated to lose weight. It's hard to even think about all the hard work I have ahead of me to lose half of my current weight. I feel like I've always been overweight. Looking back at pictures of me as a child, I see the beginnings of a fat girl. I feel sorry for the girl in this picture because she doesn't know what lies ahead of her. (I'm the one on the right, just in case you couldn't tell. I was probably 5 years old in this picture. My sister Jackie is on the left and my brother Tito is in the middle.) The girl in this picture doesn't know that she will feel inferior in middle school and high school. The girl in this picture doesn't know that she'll always think of herself as "the fat friend" when hanging out with her friends. (Although I must say that my awesome, amazing friends have never, and would never, make me feel like that. They never cared that I was fat, it was my own issue.) The girl in this picture doesn't know she will have low self-esteem and no self-confidence for the next 25 years (but hopefully no longer than that).

At 29 years old, I feel like I need to start over. I need to go back to that girl in elementary school, middle school and high school and smack her in the back of the head and tell her to get her butt in gear so she doesn't have to go through all the heartache that I've been through because of being over weight. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm whining or complaining about how tough my life was, but it was hard growing up being the fat girl. My sister was popular, a talented singer, full of self assurance, and always had boyfriends. My brother was a chubby kid, played baseball, was popular, had tons of friends, eventually lost a bunch of weight and had lots of girlfriends. I .... was a home body. I had friends but no one that I really hung out with outside of school. I didn't have my first real boyfriend until I was 19 years old. Lame, I know. (What is it about blogs that make you feel like you can write about all the private turmoils of your life?!) I still carry that with me. And now, being a teacher I was always afraid that the kids would make fun of my weight. It hadn't happened until last week. I made a comment to a sixth grader, 12 years old, and his response back to me was, "What. Are you going to sit on me?" I was mortified. I kept my composure, kicked him out of my classroom, and went along with my lesson, all the while fighting back tears. I couldn't show my other students the hurt inside, but I wanted to let it out. It's sad that a 12 year old's stupid comment could effect me like that, but it did.

So... I'm checking the mail ever day this week with the hope that my Power 90 DVD's show up. Summer break begins soon and this is what I will be doing all summer. My life is a little bit of a mess right now and I need something positive to focus on. This is it. I'll be blogging the first week so you can read about how sore and out of shape I am. I want to document my accomplishments, learn from my mistakes, stay motivated and lessen my chance of failure. I hope you are behind me and keep me in check.

All my love - Elysia (soon to be former fat chick)