The beginning...

This is me...

Normally I would never have posted this picture for all to see but I thought it was important to start this new blogging adventure with this picture (or one of the many, many others that look just like this). I consider this a terrible picture. Why, you ask? Well, in this picture I see what I see in the mirror every day. I see all my flaws. I see my fat arms, my stomach that's hanging out... everything. It's terrible. I spend my life trying to cover up all those flaws, sucking it all in, doing whatever it takes to take a half decent picture that doesn't make me spiral into depression when I see it. My goal is to never have to look at another picture of myself looking like this again.


And so I begin this blog...
My thinking behind writing this blog is that maybe those who read this will help keep me accountable for what I plan on doing. I plan on cutting my weight in half. What is half? I'm not ready to divulge that information yet. I know you are all smart out there and would be able to figure out my true weight. (LOL) Posting the "fat picture" above was hard enough. I'm taking baby steps here people, baby steps! I started this year out motivated and ready to tackle my life-long weight problem. About the 3rd day in January, I cut soda and fast food out completely. Completely!! I lost 13 pounds in two weeks! Then my health insurance started a weigh loss program that allowed us to go to certain weight loss doctors. They still didn't cover lapband surgery, which is what I really want, but it was a start. I starting see a doctor that made me go in every week for fatblocker shots and weigh ins. I also started the HCG diet...

HCG... it started off scary but worked really well (for about two weeks). The HCG diet requires that you take the HCG hormone (either orally and via injections) and that you eat a very strict 500 calorie a day diet. With the help of some appetite suppressants (phentermine - wonderful stuff!), I was able to do it and lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. You'd think that this would keep me motivated to continue the diet since I was doing so well and was showing results. Nope. The downward spiral started with a few cocktails on the weekend, then a bite of my son's chicken nugget or french fries, a taco from Taco Bell, then it was all done. It took a while for me to gain all the weight back, but it's back. That's how it always is... I start something, give it a week or two, then it falls apart. And by "it" I mean "me." I have a gym membership (one of many) that I don't use. I've bought the weigh loss shakes, meals, etc. I've done Jenny Craig and Weigh Watchers. I have no follow through.

So, my latest attempt at weight loss... Power 90.
Power 90 is the less intense, older version of p90x. I had never heard of it before but I had read all my friend's Facebook status updates about how great p90x is. I thought, "I should do that!" Then I reminded myself... if my much thinner, much more in shape friends that run marathons and work out daily are getting their butts kicked by p90x, I would die. So I didn't buy it. Then I saw a post about a person who was is the same boat as me (the fat people boat that is quickly sinking). He bought Power 90, did it for 3 months and lost 100 pounds. Then he bought p90x, did it for 3 months and lost another 50 pounds. Amazing! That's my goal! I know it's going to be hard. I know that there will be days that I don't want to do it, but I HAVE to. I have a two year old son who wants to run around and play constantly. I can't keep up. I'm only 29 years old and there are days I feel like I'm 50. I've always been healthy even though I was overweight. In the last year I had to start taking blood pressure medication because my blood pressure is high. My family has a history of heart disease, diabetes, and a load of other medical issues. I know I'm already at a higher risk for these diseases, even without being overweight. Throw in the extra weight and my risk factor skyrockets! My 23 year old brother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in 2010. I can't do that to my parents again. I can't do that to my son. He deserves to have a mom who can be as active as he wants to be.

So... I'm trying, again, to get it together and get motivated to lose weight. It's hard to even think about all the hard work I have ahead of me to lose half of my current weight. I feel like I've always been overweight. Looking back at pictures of me as a child, I see the beginnings of a fat girl. I feel sorry for the girl in this picture because she doesn't know what lies ahead of her. (I'm the one on the right, just in case you couldn't tell. I was probably 5 years old in this picture. My sister Jackie is on the left and my brother Tito is in the middle.) The girl in this picture doesn't know that she will feel inferior in middle school and high school. The girl in this picture doesn't know that she'll always think of herself as "the fat friend" when hanging out with her friends. (Although I must say that my awesome, amazing friends have never, and would never, make me feel like that. They never cared that I was fat, it was my own issue.) The girl in this picture doesn't know she will have low self-esteem and no self-confidence for the next 25 years (but hopefully no longer than that).

At 29 years old, I feel like I need to start over. I need to go back to that girl in elementary school, middle school and high school and smack her in the back of the head and tell her to get her butt in gear so she doesn't have to go through all the heartache that I've been through because of being over weight. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm whining or complaining about how tough my life was, but it was hard growing up being the fat girl. My sister was popular, a talented singer, full of self assurance, and always had boyfriends. My brother was a chubby kid, played baseball, was popular, had tons of friends, eventually lost a bunch of weight and had lots of girlfriends. I .... was a home body. I had friends but no one that I really hung out with outside of school. I didn't have my first real boyfriend until I was 19 years old. Lame, I know. (What is it about blogs that make you feel like you can write about all the private turmoils of your life?!) I still carry that with me. And now, being a teacher I was always afraid that the kids would make fun of my weight. It hadn't happened until last week. I made a comment to a sixth grader, 12 years old, and his response back to me was, "What. Are you going to sit on me?" I was mortified. I kept my composure, kicked him out of my classroom, and went along with my lesson, all the while fighting back tears. I couldn't show my other students the hurt inside, but I wanted to let it out. It's sad that a 12 year old's stupid comment could effect me like that, but it did.

So... I'm checking the mail ever day this week with the hope that my Power 90 DVD's show up. Summer break begins soon and this is what I will be doing all summer. My life is a little bit of a mess right now and I need something positive to focus on. This is it. I'll be blogging the first week so you can read about how sore and out of shape I am. I want to document my accomplishments, learn from my mistakes, stay motivated and lessen my chance of failure. I hope you are behind me and keep me in check.

All my love - Elysia (soon to be former fat chick)